Some things are just too good and have to be brought again and again to assist the newbies. As we start to pull out the camping gear to see what needs to be replaced, and what still works, we need to remember that we all need to prepare ourselves for the marathon that if the Telluride Bluegrass Festival. So I offer to all of the virgins, as well as those who have seriously damaged themselves over the years, Hippie Jerry’s ultimate TBF training guide!
Wake up and glare at the bottle on the floor next to your bed
(Note: As training progresses, and greater stamina is achieved, bottle will actually be in your bed)
Stumble to green room in backyard (installed for purposes of training program*) and wait for 20 mins before relieving yourself.
Upon return to front yard, collect instrument someone “borrowed” the night before and left outside all night, leaning against a cooler.
(Note: This is a perfect opportunity to practice true festivarian spirit by not giving in to anger)
Stumble to kitchen, don training program blindfold, and dig through big box o’stuff for little bottle of pain reliever.
Once pain reliever has been located, use dull camp knife to pry open “child-proof” cap, remove blindfold.
Crack a beer and take pain reliever… while eyeing what remains in last night’s bottle.
Pour last remaining shot from bottle while repeating “Hair of the Dog” several times …then, fighting back nausea, back away slowly… in fear.
Replace blindfold, and find soap, towel, quarters, for shower.
Proceed to shower, remove blindfold, turn on hot water and wait for 45 mins before getting into shower, eyes closed, head against wall.
Get into shower, stand for a few minutes until hot water begins to fade, soap up quickly.
SCREAM, curse and perform a “modified stationary panic” when hot water becomes ice cold water… fumble for something to wipe soap out of eyes.
Take clothing and all belongings into front yard and dress in front of entire neighborhood never standing on more than one foot.
Drink the first real cocktail of the day (hair of the dog, hair of the dog) and eat first meal of the day
(Note: While in Town Park this is generally some kind of food bar found in camp or breakfast prepared by someone who obviously went to bed too damn early. As an adjunct to this part of the training program, we advise you look at your very favorite dish for minimum of 20 mins prior to consuming said food; you’ll find this to be valuable prep for the wait in line during the avg. 1-2 x’s per day IFFP** - intended to minimize salivary gland over-stimulation produced by Sisters Dumplings or Killer Flanks)
Saunter out to front yard*** and take up residence in a low-chair, with two Camelbacks: one full of water, the other full of alcoholic substance to build the rarely used orbicudrinkinginsunalldaylaris orsis muscle.
(Note: If you reside in lower elevations… suggested tactic would be to get on the roof of a tall building to ready oneself for alcohol consumption at altitude)
When the “back teeth are floating” feeling hits, go to green room and stand for 20 mins.
(Note: This is an opportunity to begin to perfect the “pee-pee shuffle” disguised as dancing to the music or hacky-sac)
Set-up obstacle course for return to chair… be sure to carry food, dirty-sticker covered plastic cups covered full of liquid and hula-hoop through obstacle course, sit in chair without spilling.
(Note: The obstacle course should also be navigated carrying above objects while blindfolded… to simulate the trip in the dark while drunk.)
Stay in chair until dark and beyond, cheering neighbors/cars as they pass by to build clapping callus.
Replace program blindfold and gather all items taken out at beginning of training day, and return inside via obstacle course.
Put on not quite warm enough clothing, grab musical instrument and make your way out into neighborhood seeking alcohol, warmth, and people willing to jam.
Play music, drink alcohol and try not to complain about the cold until you can no longer stand.
Find reasonably comfortable place to sit, and drink alcohol, complain about cold and play music until you can no longer find the strings.
Sling instrument over your back, put on blindfold, clutch bottle w/ remainder of alcohol someone gave you in your teeth, and crawl back home to bed.
(Note: Sidewalk use is not allowed during this step. Crawl through yards, under bushes, etc… this method should help prepare you for wee-hour drunken rumblin’, bumblin’, stumblin’ return to camp. Extreme training would involve at least 3-4 attempted entries into someone else’s bedroom. Goal is to get out with all limbs, dignity and undergarments intact.)
Lean instrument against cooler in yard, crawl in to house, in to bed and go to sleep.
Repeat.
step one and start over = one revolution
- Under no circumstances is the green room to be serviced during training program; this is intended to properly anesthetize certain senses in prep for Fest. If possible, have people stand in line ahead of you and mumble incoherently. Practice the “smile and nod, I’m not too drunk to understand you” response.
** Avg. IFFP = average in-festival food purchase
*** Tarpology education is not covered in this program. Program creator does not want to incur the wrath of hundreds, nay thousands of festivarians…each with a disparate view on Tarpology best practices
Training Program Matrix
Weeks 1-2 Complete one revolution of training program no more than a TTL of 4 x’s
Weeks 3-6 Complete two revolutions of training program 2-3 x’s per week
Weeks 7-10 Complete two revolutions of training program 4-5 x’s per week,
(add one complete revolution each week)
After week 7 revolutions can be added at will. Be sure to cease training program at least 3 days prior to departure for Telluride.
Get plenty of rest, drink lots of water (you should still, however, be training your bladder at this point)